Essay intro help please–Is this strong enough to get me into a university??

November 16, 2008 by  

Topic:
Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.

Intro:
The most important lesson I’ve learned was never intentionally taught. It was a lifestyle that was put upon me while I was growing up. My parents emigrated from Cambodia to America to escape the Khmer Rouge. They depend on me as much as I depend on them because they are not able to speak and read English very well. As a result, they have made it difficult for me to seek help from them regarding my school work simply because I know that they cannot help me.

i know the topic is a bit implicit– Had only the teacher to help me learn in my academics

please help and advise to make it stronger, i really want to get accepted.

Try fleshing out your essay more. In what ways do you depend on them for your education? Has their inability to speak English had any positive effects on your education? If so, what? How does your background influence your perspective of education?

Comments

2 Responses to “Essay intro help please–Is this strong enough to get me into a university??”

  1. dlb_blair on November 16th, 2008 8:55 pm

    Try fleshing out your essay more. In what ways do you depend on them for your education? Has their inability to speak English had any positive effects on your education? If so, what? How does your background influence your perspective of education?
    References :

  2. cfromc on November 16th, 2008 9:14 pm

    change the last line. not too good, honestly.
    you said "they have made it difficult for me to seek help from them regarding my school work". don't say anything that makes you sound stupid. i think you should be more broad.
    References :

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